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Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more apparent.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday."
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers 'Yes'.

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds'.

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism?'
Pharmacist: 'Definitely'.

Jacob': Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety..... The works!'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson' disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely'.

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?'

Jacob says to the pharmacist:
'We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop.'
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

One day an old man saw a young boy walking and smoking a cigarette.
He stopped the boy and asked how old he was.
The boy replied "I'm 6 years old."
"Since when do you smoke?" the old man asked.
"Since I first slept with a woman." said the boy.
"And when was that?" asked the old man.
The boy answered: "I can't remember, I was drunk."
_________________
Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Owen · Joined: 14 Apr 2007 Posts: 229 Location: Diss, Norfolk

Enjoy,
Owen Very Happy

Story By A Man Standing In A Queue In Tesco's.

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my b*lls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b***h..........why else would I buy dog food!?

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The Christmas Parrot

One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch". The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrot's left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells". It was a Christmas Parrot. The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas".

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place the match between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see".

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot it began to sing a familiar tune... "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire".
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Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

Four doctors of different nationalities were boasting about their successes in transplantation at a conference.

The Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks time.'

The German doctor said, 'That's nothing! Why in Germany, we can remove a lung from one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in just four weeks.'

The Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half of a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in only two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah! Well, in the United Kingdom we can take two ar*eholes out of Scotland, put them in Numbers 10 and 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.'
_________________
Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's

He created night for going fishing, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with, so God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... .....
Well. . Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas -to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
_________________
Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

An Aboriginal man in Alice Springs goes to the doctor with a problem - he just can't stop jogging or stand still !
Hey white doctor says the Blackman. What ya think is makin me run all over the place. It's to puckin hot for dat ****.
The doctor says It's got me beat but hey I might have a cure.
The doctor puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells the Abo to snort them.
The black man does as the doctor asks and immediately stops jogging up and down and stands dead still.
'Puck me drunk it worked. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.
'No' the doctor replies. 'It's Omo - guaranteed to stop coloureds from running.!!'
_________________
Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks
_________________
Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted with a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too.

But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pi**ed in your Saxophone."
_________________
Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks

_________________
Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.