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Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

While looking for another item yesterday, I came across an item I had given me when I first started upon the Railway and called 'The Railway Alphabet' and which wll give you a laugh.

The Railway Alphabet

A. Admin Office. A major source for the depletion of the rain forests.

B. Bardic Lamp. An implement used to relax customers.

C. Computer. To err is human. To really F**k-up, use a computer.

D. Delay. (Subject to…..) We don’t know where the bloody train is.

E. Enthusiast. One with no sense, i.e. An anoraksic Train Spotter

F. Four Foot. Minimum distance between staff and irate customer.

G. Good Housekeeping. More job cuts.

H. Headcodes. Normally called Flu. (Take two aspirins and the day off.)

I. Identity. (Crisis.) What stupid colour scheme shall we have next?

J. Joint enquiry. Hippy gathering to discuss the meaning of life.

K. Kettle. The most important piece of Railway Technology.

L. L.P.G.. (Liquid Petroleum Gas) No battery watches or nylon underwear to be worn anywhere nearby.

M. Maxpax. Travellers fare alternative to tea or coffee.

N. NFF. (No fault found) usual Hornsey answer when the problem is too difficult to solve.

O. Open Station. The result of over zealous good housekeeping (See G).

P. Porter. A rarely sighted, much sought after Endangered Species (currently being tracked down by Sir David Attenborough).

Q. Quickfare. A ticket issuer that doesn’t answer back.

R. Roster Office. Planning centre for the next round of cock-ups.

S. Shunt. Opposite of should.

T. Timetable. What the public thinks we run to. (You’ve got to laugh.)

U. Unit Availability. What the running foreman goes by. (Usually ascertained by Tarot Cards, Quija Boards, or subscription to Mystic Meg.

V. Vacuum Brakes. A recess during a Management meeting.

W. Walking Route. Obstacle course to test staff fitness. Best attempted in the dark wearing a blindfold.

X. Xmas Day. An opportunity to re-visit the family, (New polaraoids should be taken to show the kids who the hell Mummy or Daddy is.

Y. Yodel Alarm. An indicator at a level crossing to a motorist, that it is too late.

Z. Z Code. Special headcode Input (i.e. IZOI) when no f**ker knows what the hell the train is, except for enthusiast (See E) who knows everything anyway.

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