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Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

Old Tom died at the ripe old age of 92 and duly appeared in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Just a moment, please," said St Peter who was busily scribbling in his Great Book, "I'm just catching up on my paperwork. Just have a look round while you're waiting."
Old Tom ambled off and saw a huge wall, completely covered by clocks showing different times.
"'Ere, Guv'ner," he said. "Wot's all these 'ere clocks doing' then? There ain't but one of 'em got the time right."
"Ah well," said St Peter. "Those are not ordinary clocks - those are life clocks. Everyone has one, and it starts at midnight on the day they are born. Then, every time they tell a lie, their clock loses one minute."
Tom scratched his head, not really understanding what it was all about. "Well, guv'ner," he said. "There's one 'ere that says one minute to twelve. Who did that belong to?"
"That," said St Peter, "is the life clock of Mother Teresa. In her whole life, she only told one lie - and that was when she was a little girl. But it is still recorded on her life clock."
"Alright then," said Tom looking further along the wall. "Who's is that clock that says two minutes to twelve?"
"That clock is the life clock of George Washington. He told only two lies in his life before owning up about that cherry tree, and he never told another one for the rest of his days."
Tom looked back and forth along the wall. "Well where's Tony Blair's clock, then?" he asked.
"Ah, yes, that one..." Said St Peter. "Actually Saint John has got that in his office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

A guy was talking with his co-worker about where they should go for a beer after work. The friend suggested a place just to the north of their factory, because they were running a "Happy-Hour" deal: 2-for-1 beers from 5 PM to midnight.

Our hero agreed that 2-for-1 beers during Happy-Hour was a pretty good deal, but he wanted to try a place he'd been to over the weekend. He explained to his friend that, while beers were fairly expensive at this place, each beer purchased also came with a numbered ticket. "And... get this... Once every half-hour, they pull a number from a hat, and if they call the number of your ticket, you get laid... for free!"

The friend quickly agreed to try the new place.

Later, our hero and his dejected friend can be seen, quite drunk, sitting at a table at the new place, a large pile of tickets in front of each man.

Drunkenly, the friend suggests, "Hey, this is a rip-off! We've been here about 6 hours now, each had over 20 beers, there's only 4 other guys in the place, and we haven't won once!"

"Yeah," agreed our hero, "I just don't understand it. We were here last weekend... and my wife won 3 times!"
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman.

'Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?' he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

'Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?'

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman,

'I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?'

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

'That's a relief!' says the man. 'The plumber is coming in the morning.'
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The biker said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.' 'How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?' The biker said, 'Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

The lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

You're gonna love this!!!!!!!!!)...............

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says,
'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, ' AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from a Church service when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' Repent and be baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.

The burglar immediately stops in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer is cuffing the man to take him in, he asks the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an axe and two 38's!'
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.

Owen · Joined: 14 Apr 2007 Posts: 229 Location: Diss, Norfolk

Bloomin' Marvelous! Laughing

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Bramleyman · Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 481 Location: Norfolk

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions?'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....'

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Please help us to 'Raise a Wagon Load of Cash' and so we can get the lease, then start running. See the main website www.bramleyline.org.uk for further details.